upcoming surgery...

im getting prepared for upcoming surgery on both my knees. gonna have knee replacement surgery on december 8th, depending on if i pass my physical on november 29th. i feel like im kind of in a pickle over all the things i have to do to get ready for this. im trying to find things that will help me get through this whole mess. i feel so stressed out over the surgery. and at the same time im elated at the idea that i will be losing the pain as my knees heal from this surgery.

im so frightened at the same time of the pain being worse than ever after the surgery. i hate pain. i hate it a lot. you know when its consensual play its ok but pain inflicted on me from my own body really, really, REALLY sucks.

just read a funny post...

the person that wrote it was very funny and had a great sense of humor about the most auquard things that could happen on vacation. neat lady. anyway im a knitter and im having a blank time wiht knitting cos im in frucking pain. the pain is beginning to get to me. im waiting for pills to kick in but they arent working fast enough so im restraining myself from taking more by the scruff of my teeth. im waiting for the meds to kick in so reading funny posts and writing this one. life goes on, o well and yadayadayada.

kloi

wheeeee!

om havin a funny here! today i was called a gearhead! i rose to a new level of geekiness! so im a computer geek and a gearhead!!! yay me! its been a very frustrating day in some ways. i took my dog to go for a run and she tried to jump in a car of a friend of mine and eat her dog. im tired of my dog thinking that she can attack other dogs without consequence. i have to find another way to control her because the head collar she has now already broke a little and it was very hard to control her with it today.

other things are going swimmingly. my knitting is progressing a little faster now thank god. i really need to finish the scarf im working on right now. been having some weird dreams about my mother.i guess i miss her more than i thought but the dreams have been nightmarish. like when she stayed with me and was in full blown Alzheimer's, that was freaky as heck. the thing is she was talking to invisible people and threatening to kill me and herself.. only this time she went for it with that big kitchen knife she had. she listened to the voices and it hurt so much when she stabbed me. i sometimes am afraid to sleep after this kind of dream. it fucks with me big-time. i hate when things like this happen cos of that. so messy. so weird and unsettling. anyway thats all for now. thanks for listening.

kloi

busy month...

so how things going y'all? im hanging out thinking of knitting and wanting to hurry up and finish what i started so it will be done and out of my hair. been thinking about my mother a lot this week. and im angry at her for dying.. and miss her so much at the same time. i dont get it; this constant push-me-pull-you attitude i seem to have wiht my family. its so weird, so crazy, insane that it makes me nuts. it seems sometimes im just plain at war with myself. you know it comes down ot that one saying that threw me the first time i heard it.

'i hate you, dont leave me!'

somehow it's all summed up by that one statement. its also the title of a book about broken relationships... broken marriages, really. but it fits what im going thru too. i definitely had a broken relationship with my mother. anyway thats whats up right now, grief and anger are fighting for my attention when im tryign to read, knit and watch movies all at the same time. gotta love being me.

AAARRRGH!

i am beyond frustrrated and into totally stressed! its time to say fuckaduck damit and scream in a pillow. first i cut one finger while trying to open a package wiht a really *REALLY* sharp leatherman tool; up until then it didn't seem so sharp. anyway things got worse when i tried to open a bottle of superglue to fix my foinmger with cos i cut myu thumb then... AAAAAARGH!!! sooo i tried cutting it open with a smaller tool and was pointing it the wrong wayu and cut my thum,b so two finmgers down on my left hand. then to make matters worse, not learning the lesson from the thuim,b io cut my index finger doing the same thing. and screamed in lots of curses!!! so n ow that ive cut three fingers two on one hand and one on the other and nearly mutilated myself opening the superglue bottle then nedarly stuck my other fingers together.. the shit just keeps getting deeper over here. sorry im blunt and angry and so frustrated and not calm at all. sorry for the typikgn being bac .. bad that is. i cant type om so upset. time to knit but i cant knit very well.. cant evven fricken type. shit!

stuff interferes with life sometime

ive been doing a lot of writing, lately.... then avoiding writing cos of triggers that freak me out. theres a lot that happened in the last few days. i ended up in the hospital for the second time in less than six months with pancreatitis. the cause seems to have been a gall stone passing through my pancreas. i have friends that im supposed to be letting stay here for some time after my inspection. which is freaking me out cos its in 4 days... and its after midnight so its actually in 3 days. im kinda pissy about the fact that my friend didnt do anything except play on my computer while i was in the hospital. what kind of friend is that? a user. im tired of this, so i told him off in a text message. anyway thats all for now. i did knit about two rows while i was in the hospital so i got next to nothing done. dadgumit. o well life goes in and im grumpy. ta for now, kloi

aargh!

my left foot is messed up cos i hyper-extended the three middle toes backwards, forwards and backward again. so they gave me this huge i mean humounguous boot to wear and its freaken summer up here. so if i wear it i break out in a heatrash on my leg, if i dont wear it, my toes kill me cos i keep wiggling them in response to how my wheelchair bounces which is both funny and sucks at the same time. its an oxymoron i guess. rofl!

forgot...

i keep forgetting to post on here but its only cos ive been busy with knitting and not really having much to complain about. so much is still going on. i have a neighbor that wont talk to me anymore so i guess shes the only one i really have a problem with. i got sick and stopped visiting partly cos shes a heavy drinker and i dont know how to respond to her when shes drunk. i get all weirded out and leave without eating or anything.

on other subjects, im almost done with the sweater from hell. yay! im working on all the strings hanging off the insides and then i have to cast off the hood and throw it in the wash before i give it to its new owner. so far so good. then i can move on to some other much needed knitting projects. a couple hats and some socks and other things. woohoo!

i got the grumpies

this is my post to a vent at ravelry.com thought id share it here too.

man people can be so insensative. they think we need the truth. we know the truth and live with it every day damit. harumph! well along with this vent i give some advice or mabye just a different point of view on how to explain fibromyalgia and other autoimmune stuff. so i was talking to my friend the other day and noticed that she had a bruise on her thumb from -guess what? a hammer hitting it instead of the flathead on a nail…. i said to her.. that looks like it hurt. yeah she said it hurt like a sonofabitch… to which i replied imagine that pain not just in your thumb but in your knees and back and ribs and eyeballs… and imagine it never going away again. sometimes its just a mild ache… but usually its a marathon run between the pain and the nausea or hunger it causes cos your body is working overtime to compensate for the pain.. and it hurts so fucking much you wonder how you took your last breathes or if you will still be able to breathe and keep breathing. and sometimes that pain shifts to another part of your body without telling you so you fall down

cos suddenly the pain is just in your knee. your left knee and the pain is so bad you can’t walk or think about walking so you sit. and your friends think its only an excuse that you use when your tirefd but you wish you were tired or the pain would stop or drive you insane if the pain meds tont kick in soon and you cry sometimes but that just adds to the pain cos hten yhour head hurts from crying andyour sinuses are clogged so you can’t breathe or relax cos if you relax the pain takes over so you are battling it by walking anyway and fuck you to anybody that makes a joke about pain and the loss of abilities or anyone that thinks your being lazy so there. so. thats my vent and the way i tell people about what its like to be in this kind of pain all the time. its extreme but sometimes it works and they get it after that. im sorry it turned into a vent but im frustrated and tired. thank you for listening. i wish i didnt have to explain to people about being sick all winter with one thing after another. anyway thank you for listening.

you are my efamily and im happy about the fact you listen adn dont judge.

neglecting things....

i feel like im neglecting things, lately. knitting is getting done and neglected at the same time... oops. also writing is getting neglected too. so much to do so little time. im waiting for a friend to have her baby because im just so busy with other things i feel like im busy being nuts instead of calm but o well its just a feeling, this too shall pass. i just realized im almost finished with the sweater im working on and im very excited about that. so excited i can't stands it no more. anyway im almost done with this sweater and im gonna work at it some more... but first a picture i hope. so thats it. yay!

knitting is fun and restful...

i think im getting close to the end of this sweater ive been working on for over a year. im very excited about almost being done. im about on the opening of the front of the sweater which is the last step til the hood. woohoo im so excited about this. if you wanna view past pictures of it go to www.ravelry.com/people/dragonturtle and look at my projects. its the gray on black sweater on there. anyway im just so excited to almost be done with it woot! its good. tis great, its fun and relaxing too yay!

life happens...

so much is going on in my life right now because of writing about my childhood. i hate the memories it brings up. some of the things that have come up are like a physical blow when i remember what happened. i was writing last night about being bitten by a dog that belonged to one of my babysitters when i was a child. it was physically painful to write about and today im kinda paying for it. ive been writing a lot and the more i write the more stressed out i get. i just have to get thru this. its so difficult to remember the things and people that caused us such pain as children. its just not right. i frickin hate the things that people did to us as children. it sucked.

lots happening...

So, i thought my life was interesting enough before. never take a curse as a joke. someone wished on me to always have an interesting good ting it wasn't an oriental person that cursed me that way or i might be dead now. lol! all joking aside its been a strange few months. ive gone from having walking pneumonia to labyrinthitis, and losing weight then gaining it all back when i got sick because of sleeping all the time. i hate when im sick all the time. it bothers me and ruins my winter. cos how can someone enjoy an entirely cold winter if they're sick and asleep all the time? hmmm?

So,here i am just getting better and the sun is starting to come out and be out more. yay! i love it when the change of season is well reflected. we're already regaining sunlight from the winter. so im on the upswing i guess. feeling better, noticing that the sun is out more, and its getting cold as fudge wihtout chocolate out there. but ya know that february is the coldest month of the year so we'll get thru it. its just gonna take some time.

i feel like my sons are missing a lot by not spending much time with me.. but its not that they are missing me its that.. i dont know, again i have no clue what im trying to say. i miss my older son and wish he would just get a life and get back to talking to me already. my younger son comes and sees me and spends time with me. that makes a big difference in my life. it makes me feel important which is really cool and he thinks im cool even though im a geek. i love my son especially for that. my older son i love him but its the waiting kinda love. its not different just tryingg to be patient while he 'finds himself' which i hope he does real soon. but us moms have to wait and wait and wait sometimes. anyway thats all for now. i hope im not as muddled as i feel right now. thanks for listening.

kloi