busy month...

so how things going y'all? im hanging out thinking of knitting and wanting to hurry up and finish what i started so it will be done and out of my hair. been thinking about my mother a lot this week. and im angry at her for dying.. and miss her so much at the same time. i dont get it; this constant push-me-pull-you attitude i seem to have wiht my family. its so weird, so crazy, insane that it makes me nuts. it seems sometimes im just plain at war with myself. you know it comes down ot that one saying that threw me the first time i heard it.

'i hate you, dont leave me!'

somehow it's all summed up by that one statement. its also the title of a book about broken relationships... broken marriages, really. but it fits what im going thru too. i definitely had a broken relationship with my mother. anyway thats whats up right now, grief and anger are fighting for my attention when im tryign to read, knit and watch movies all at the same time. gotta love being me.

AAARRRGH!

i am beyond frustrrated and into totally stressed! its time to say fuckaduck damit and scream in a pillow. first i cut one finger while trying to open a package wiht a really *REALLY* sharp leatherman tool; up until then it didn't seem so sharp. anyway things got worse when i tried to open a bottle of superglue to fix my foinmger with cos i cut myu thumb then... AAAAAARGH!!! sooo i tried cutting it open with a smaller tool and was pointing it the wrong wayu and cut my thum,b so two finmgers down on my left hand. then to make matters worse, not learning the lesson from the thuim,b io cut my index finger doing the same thing. and screamed in lots of curses!!! so n ow that ive cut three fingers two on one hand and one on the other and nearly mutilated myself opening the superglue bottle then nedarly stuck my other fingers together.. the shit just keeps getting deeper over here. sorry im blunt and angry and so frustrated and not calm at all. sorry for the typikgn being bac .. bad that is. i cant type om so upset. time to knit but i cant knit very well.. cant evven fricken type. shit!

stuff interferes with life sometime

ive been doing a lot of writing, lately.... then avoiding writing cos of triggers that freak me out. theres a lot that happened in the last few days. i ended up in the hospital for the second time in less than six months with pancreatitis. the cause seems to have been a gall stone passing through my pancreas. i have friends that im supposed to be letting stay here for some time after my inspection. which is freaking me out cos its in 4 days... and its after midnight so its actually in 3 days. im kinda pissy about the fact that my friend didnt do anything except play on my computer while i was in the hospital. what kind of friend is that? a user. im tired of this, so i told him off in a text message. anyway thats all for now. i did knit about two rows while i was in the hospital so i got next to nothing done. dadgumit. o well life goes in and im grumpy. ta for now, kloi